WHAT COMES TO MY MIND

live out a sonship mentality & sonship life style :)

2010-03-28T22:54:00.000-07:00

it's been 3 month since my last log. looking back at my last entry it's a bit funny to me, at the same time i feel i've matured even more in God. victory is so sweet after the battle is won. as you all can see my life did not end in fact i am very safe and sound. in the past three month i've realized how important life is. the devil knows that too and he is always trying to destroy us. since my last entry that same day i didn't want to go home i spend all day at my high school best friend's house they were nice enough to me to have me there all day and join their family for christmas. but i had to go home at some point. i didn't want to go home, the minute i step out of her house i started crying again feeling sad and self destructive. i wanted a direction. i was driving didn't know where i was going to go. so instantly i thought of hospital, emergency room is 24hrs i can cry all i want and it won't be so cold there. so i drove to the nearest hospital. i parked my car walked in and started to cry my eyes out. as if someone really had died... i kept crying for like 20 mins all i can think of is how unfair i got treated and how unfair this world is to me. i couldn't think of anything to help me stop at that time i've pretty much cried all day i was tried and drained. a while late i've realized i got defeated i let my life out of control satan has completely taken over. once i realized the situation i knew i need to get myself together. i want to go home i need to be loved i'm not going to do stupid things to myself. life is hard but we do have choices. i began to think about my family my future my kids in the future and how much things that i still haven't done or experienced. i went home at 3 am day after chrismas eve. Jesus wasn't treated fairly but he did not end his own life. we all have a destiny in our life waitng for us to fullfill. I began to look back at my life, my mom was pregrant with me back in 1986 she almost lost me 8 times. each month she had to go get checkups for shots and medicines. finally by the time she gave birth to me i didn't cry when i was born the doctor told my parents that i was going to grow up unhealthy and have mental issues. my parents were devastated they begin to think to give up on me but my grandfather had faith in me he saved my life otherwise i would have been aborted. then when i was 7 years old my mom came to the states for work my dad felt insucure so he divorced my mom. at the time i didn't know what was going on i just knew i won't be seeing mom anymore. after about a year since their divorce my dad was sentenced to jail for 12 years. i basically grew up with my grandparents. they were alot older than my friends grandparents i realized later on my dad was adopted when i was 7 my grandparents were already in their late 60's early 70's. it was reallly hard for them to take care of me. both of them had alot of sickness. my dad owe alot of debt at that time we always had people knocking at our door at midnight. growing up i hated when the day gets dark i get so affraid to have to lights off. growing up with out both of parents left deep wounds in my heart. i don't know how it feels to have parents. i don't know how to become a mom to my own kids. long story short my grandmother passed away when i was 9. that really hit me dhe died next to me while we were sleeping around 3 in the morning. her and my grandfather are the two loved ones i know at that moment. they are the best people in the world to me. i was so young a naive that i believed good people don't die. i was so lost i wanted to know where she go. at that time i wasn't saved i didn't know anything. then my grandfather became my only backup. he got really sick after my grandmother passed away. i didn't know what to do beside looking at the days passing by us. not even a year later he passed away. for some reason i tried to held back my tears i wanted to be tough. i didn't cry. then i lived with one of my mom's sister. i didn't really connect with her family i felt like an orphan. i didn't go to school much since my parents weren't around. the place i lived in china wasn't very safe. at that time i was still a kid, i had no chioce but hanging out in the streets by myself. i would steel all kinds of things for the thrill of it. spending hundreds of money buying things to fullfull my empty heart. i was lost at the age of 11 i wondered what is the purpose of life. then my mom sent out an invitation for me to come to the US. at first i didn't want to come but i was desprate for a change so i came. i barely remember the memories we had. we struggled forever to get along. we were seprated for 5 years. she seems to be a complete stranger. her standards are totally too high for me to accomplish. its not that i don't want to it's just i never had the habit of studying. my grades fail miserbly but she tried so hard to help me but i had zero interest. thru my teenage years under my mom's parenting i had tutoring till the last year of my senior year of high school. i concidered myself a good kid, i wasn't influnced by any of my friends i never did drugs i don't steel anymore and i didn't join any gangs i just had bad grades. but i still didn't know where is my life going...
looking back at all those things the devil is trying so hard to mislead me. after i graduated from high school i went to vidal sassoon top 3 beauty school. the enviorment was very streeful i closed up myself i don't know how to express that feeling but i wasn't happy. i was very negative everytime i open my mouth bad words seems to fallow. when i was about to graduate that's when i came to impact harverst church. it caught my interest, everone seems happy. i wanted to know more what are they up to what is behind their gatherings. i went to my first camp in my life. one that i never will forget. the last night of the camp the pastor prayed for me all he said was "eventho your earthly father was never there for you your heavenly father has always been there for you, and he knows you and he loves you" as i'm typing this i still have tears in my eyes. i've found the answer that i've been looking for all my life. god exsists, he is real, he is among us. hes the one that's been watching over me, he has a plan for me since the day i was created. i am not an accident. the devil is trying to steel my life away but god has found me. i've always wondered so many worset things could've happened to me when i was in china but it didn't. y didn't i get into any relationships in high school y am i not hurt? who's watching over me? i felt like a kid who was lost for so long and just got united with my father. then i knew i belong to him the one and only living god. then after i graduated i got a job at the top 20 salon in the US. same situation long hours. always under stress and presure. i was full of hate and pride. i missed one sunday service after another then i stoped going at all. thru god's mercy and grace i was able to come back to him each time i backslide.
in the mist of all that a boy came in to my life. my first relationship :) i knew exactly what i wanted i want my first boyfriend to be my husband i just want one relatioship. so i told him that and he wasn't scared by my decisions. so our journey began. (details will be on the next blog)
well in the past three month i've learend life is not a mistake, we are not in control god is, satan will try to mislead us from our destiny but we can make the right choice to shut him down. god loves eventhou we are not perfect he loves us for who we are. he gives us hope.

2009-12-23T12:41:00.000-08:00

Dear god:

u’re the only one I can talk to isn’t that sad? This world left me with no choice but to talk to u. If u're even here, why is it so hard to just make a living y does it have to be so complicated since life is so short. y does the pepople closes to u have to hurt u all the time. i feel so hopeless and helpless. i know it's not right to take my own life away but seemlike i don't have the option to stay alive. nth seems meaningful to me, i can't feel joy and happiness i can't seem to even communicate with others. im a human that lives like a handicaped. if there were an alien race i felt like an alien living in a human body. traped in a world that i don't belong to, nth here seem to interest me, and nth here seems like it need me. i didn't have a normal childhood, not a normal family, i do want to make things normal not perfect just peaceful can calm, and seems like that won't even happen. as a human being that believes there's a god theres atleast one person cares for me when others fail. but i don't feel that anymore either. i feel like a dead soul my spirit is fading away eaten by dead cells. my own flesh is not even fighting for itself. everything seems to be given up. it use to work for me to think abt there's people out there with worst situaion and make my self feel alittle better but now that doesn't even work. i use to like bring happiness to ppl by giving surprising and helping them. people just don't even seems care anymore. my heart is turning cold and stone hard. feelings doesn't exsist for me. anger and hatetred became closer they're dragging me to their own world. i have no patience what so ever nth seems to matter. wish i had the strength to walk off to the streets alone. maybe then time will go by slower and i will evaporated into thin air. i have nth to grab on to expect with a hope of god.

All I seek in life is love, love from family love from friends and love from my other half. I don’t seek for fame or popularity. I don’t see y is it so hard to accomplish that. After living on earth for 23 years, I still can’t seem to feel any of those 3 am I that hard to be loved? Am I not worthy to be loved? I suppose god Is the only one that loves me, then I guess I need to go see god. Living in pain and vain every second can throw u off like a lunatic. I think I’m normal, but at the same time I think I belong to a mental hospital. Crying doesn’t seem to help but, that’s the only emotion I feel. Each teardrops of I feel like blood is dripping from my heart. My heart Is pumping with anger and grief. depression seems to be my only status. everything i can think of is negative. fear of dying is closer to me by the minute. hell or heaven? maybe stuck on earth in between. whats after my heart stops i don;'t know will it be any better than right now? i really hope so. god if u know me well right i am a coward scared of pulling a knife and end my own life because in u that's a sin. if i do so then i won't even have the chance to see u. sitting here at work typing this message and feeling all these emotions makes me step out of my shell and look at my self and say. "how sad" and who cares? who really cares? no one! not even the computer im using, monitor staring back at me in peace. silently like usual reflecting the words from my heart. it's not the first time i feel like dying, my heart aches so much thinking of the memories i had. the smile on my face, with family with loved ones. but at the same time pictures of them yelling at me screaming and hurting me appears at the same time. i can't seem to see what did i do wrong? i didn't yell, i didn;t scream, i didn;t hurt them........ y should i be punished? who do i express my feelings to? i want to hurt myself even more just so maybe they'll be happier. i wish i had the courage to cut myself deep wounds of memory i would initial their names so that they'll see their own record. but i don't i just know how to keep it inside like a invisible baggage carrying it around weighting upon me can't even breath or see light thru it. i use to be open abt it share my situation with a few others, but now that i think abt it y should they have that couple minutes for me listing to me what for? what rights do i have to invade their life with unhappiness. life is short, they should be able to exclude it. enjoy other things while they can.

December seems to be the month of joy and celebrations, not for me again. every year around this time or on my birthday or any other holiday there seem to be a fight. for what? don't know and don't remember. i know it's nth to be happy abt. am i cursed? when others r having fun i should be feeling pain? what am i? y do i deserve this? and by the way i don't even get a thank you. i think people should atleast thank me when they're taking it out on me. because they get to release what do i get? not even a thank you. but i guess it ok. i will hide myself from that so no one can find me. maybe then they'll miss me, miss me being around, because they'll have no one like me to release to. maybe then i'll look at them and feel sad for them.

what's left of me?... i look at myself i seriously can't tell... what am i good for? who's gonna save me? for what? to save another soul like me? is there anyone else like me? really? is there?

3 years ago i had a vision...

2009-10-12T02:00:00.000-07:00

Three years ago, we were abt to go to Las Vegas for a mission trip. Before we went, Pastor Jack asked us whats our purpose? sad to say none of us had the answer he was looking for. The answer was LOVE!!! at that time i was like what REALLY? love? it didn't make that much sence to me... at the time i felt cold hearted, cold blooded. Jack told me it's ok just pray about it. so i did, i prayed before we went, on our way there and while we were there. until the last night before we were leaving. during worship, i saw a vision, it was never so clear to me like that before. i saw a huge hole on the ground, huge dark circle all kinds of people standing in a line backwards falling in. there was handicaped, young adults, sick people, healthy people. just one after another falling into this deep dark black hole. at first i asked god what is this? there was no answer, then after a few seconds pass by, i started to cry out, i just want it to stop, i don't want to see people falling in anymore because i realized it was hell they r falling into. i was crying so hard then i realized the only thing that could've stopped them from falling in was JESUS. then i was shifted back from the vision, and i realized what love was, a deep desire buried inside my heart that i need to spread the gospel the all the unbelievers and let them know there is no other options it's either heaven or hell. there was no ending to my vision, until today 10/11/09. today is the day my lovely mother's baptisim! what a day~ best day in my life, there are no words to express how i feel abt this. i will share abt that later on. but during worship today, god showed me a vision again, i saw the black hole, and people falling into it. I was thinking no way, i've been here y this again??? so as i was watching this god showed me a different side of it. this time i saw the whole thing whats going on inside that wide huge tunnel 3D. inside on the brick walls there were drawings like pictures of school, buildings, parks. things that we go trhu in life. and as this person was falling down the tunnel they were looking at all the things on the sides of it, and each of them had jesus's shadow over it and i believe that's us ( light of the world) the believers, in different places. as this person continues to fall who knows when it will end at some point he or she gets touched by one of jesus's shadow and gets saved! all of a sudden this person that's falling is starting to trying to go back up, struggling to pull up on nth, because there is nothing for them to grab onto. i was looking and thinking what can they do at that time. because at this point if he falls to the end there will just be nth but burning fire of hell. so as this vision continues showing like a film infront of me. all of a sudden i see this hand so big enough to cover the whole width of this hole, placed beneath this falling person. the person's back hits on it, and it works like a sprung and shoots this person up. so powerful this person is basicly flying and it's getting brighter and brighter. then this person ended up next to Jesus sitting next to father God, in heaven. then i realized 3 years ago people that were falling into this black hole are the people i might have already known or about to know, who are unbelievers. including my mom. and this black hole is our daily life, going thru school, work, home, ect. and the shadows behind it are us light of the world, (believers) reaching out to the unbelievers that are falling, passing by us everyday. and once we reachout to them and they accept Jesus, they are willing to fight against whats causing them to fall to the end. and as they are trying to get back to the top, they'll realize it's not because of their own strength. god's hand shows up and helps them to get back to heaven. i couldn't stop crying at this point because, god showed me my mom. she was one of them who was falling into the whole, and she saw things on the wall, and as shes falling she felt god's love then she struggles to fight against hell. and god gave her strength to go back up and seats her next to him. what a victory~!!!! i just want to encourage who ever is reading this, if u are saved lest push and win as much souls as we can back for father god. and if you are not saved yet, i encourage you to find out more about this person name Jesus. he has your answers to life, you might be stuggling with life right now, but i tell you just give him a try and it doesn't cost you anything! you will not lose anything but gain abudantly from him. I pray in Jesus name AMEN!

fresh of the boat from backsliding WILDERNESS!!!

2009-03-06T00:29:00.000-08:00

wow i just realized it's been a long time. before i realized it, it's march 09! living day to to day with out a mission and a purpose makes u feel life is boring and empty. i tend to find myfelf fall into the devil's trap very easily. i always ask myself WHY?!??!???! don't u love god? don't u care and love people? don't want to see what god can do in ur life? my answers has always been yes but... god is not listening, he's not into me, i am not holy.... blah blah blah... day by day i fall into my own trap. i felt like a kid that did someting wrong and feels shameful to go home, and see my parents, i started telling myself they don't want me anymore.
but just recently with this past 2 months, i ran into momo randomly once at the bank, once at the mall, and once driving by her to me it was just a coinstance. until one day i recieved a hand written letter from momo saying shes been praying for me. she feels like the frst two time we ran into eachother at the bank and mall must means something so she told god that if she sees me one more time then it's time for me to come back to god. then days passes by she feels like she couldn't wait any longer so decided to give me a call to meet her up she had someting to tell me. so we met up in a restruaunt and she told me the story. then i asked her didn't u see me drive by u? and she was schocked, she said i wasn't sure that day if it was u or not, but i did see a car like urs drive by me. i decided to call u anyways because i just didn't want to wait for the third time anymore. but now she realized we did already meet 3 times in god's planing. she was so happy that answered her prayer, then she looked at me and said it's time to come back, god loves you very much he didn't give up on u and hes trying so hard to have you back. then i felt this loving kindness pouring into my heart. aftewards when i was on my own i forgot about everything again. i was back to my empty shell wondering around soulless.
just this past week, on thursday i woke up the bones in my neck was out of place, my neck was cricked i couldn't trun my head or lift my left hand. i thought it was a stiff neck from sleeping so i went to work anyways. but by the afternoon it was in severe pain so i left and went home. then that night momo and enoch prayed for me it was a bit better. so i took off work for 2 days, momo said i should go to church. i kind of hesitated at first but i went with her anyways. when i walked in and saw jack and annie prayed for me tears were falling like rapids. it felt like home, i was back to my guardians my spiritual parents. then on sunday i joined my brothers and sisters at suday service it was such a blessing. i realized i need to build a new foundation with god.
so now that i decided to leave the wilderness i'm looking back at how did i get there and how do i help others to get out. i realized a couple things i don't read the bible, and i don't pray. well that's the two basic things to do if u want to know god more and start a relationship with him. we need to spent atleat an hour everyday with god, u can't just do 15mins or 10mins it takes about that long for your mind to settle down and focus on god. praying to him its like couseling. except he's the best couselor ever, that has answers to everything and his ears are all your for free. so if u know there's a couselor like that out there wouldn't you wanna be the first one to show up and make an appointment whenever u can? and tell him every thing that's been bugging you and your worries?
recently i read in a book that god has at least 70,000 promises in the bible for us so if we don't read it how do we claim it? how are we gonna know what those things are? the bible was written for us, a love letter personaly from god. if we ignore it we're not gonna know what's instored for us. each scripture is speaking to us, not to peter, not to paul, not to john, it's speaking directly to us, to me to u. your bible is not just a bible, it's full of wonders and excitement papared from god for you to recieve.
when u read a verse u probably just read a verse like this for example 1 timothy 6:11-12 oh timothy you are God's man, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. 12Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. but if you treat your bible like it's your own message from god you change timothy and put your own name there and then read it again, like 1 timothy 6:11-12 oh michelle or _____ you are God's woman/man, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. 12Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. then this becomes a message directly from god to you.
the greatest place to start putting your own name would be john 3:16 for god so loved Michlle or ______ he gave his only begotten son that if michelle or _____ should believed in him, he/she should not perish but have everlasting life. how powerful is that? just to know god would have done it if i'd been the only person ever born. just like god would have done it for you if you'd been the only person in the whole wide world!

i encourage all of you to start putting you name in the bible and claim what god has given you.

U'RE SO GOOD TO ME~!!!

2008-05-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

OH SWEET JESUS.
THANKS for eveything.
on may 3rd was the day i need to pay my rent.
may 2nd my step dad asked me to deliever money to a employee. $350 he gave me $400 and let me keep $50 thank u jesus!!! i was so thrilled and happy to have $50 out of no where. then i went to work.
work hasn't been very busy lately, but somehow we were busy enough that my paycheck was double the amount the week b4~!!! thank u jesus!!! there was a product sale that day too and my stylist usually don't sell anything to her clients, but on that day everyone that came in asked her to suggest a product so she won the competition!!! $50 i was very happy for her. she looked at me and gave me $20 i was like what !!! i don't deserve it but she insisted so again i wanted to run outside and shout out jesus.
then after work i was sitting in my car prasing god super happy with the money i got to pay my rent. then i got a phone call from my stepdad, he said the employee came to his office and picked up the money this morning so i was like thinking uh what do i do with the money... and he said just keep the money because i know u might need it. my jaw like just dropped because my parents never really give me any money ever since like high school. for him to give me that much money was like totally god~!!!
god cares so much about me he knows what i need and when do i need it. and he is faithful through the time when i was poor even offering $1 was ripping my heart apart because i probably got it from recycling. but he's not looking how much u offer it's ur faith that touches his heart.
just when i thought this was it, god showed me even more. we can never imagine his limits. then mother's day came around i try not to spend too much like the years before but i still spend almost $100. i was thinking that it was a bit much for my budget. that night we had a party at my house and there was like 20 some ppl. and i was so tired already i didn't want to do the dishes and my stepdad cleaned everything, without even asking for my help i was so glad, he did that. because usually if we host a party i'm usually the one doing dishes. then i felt thristy so i went to the kitchen to get some water by the sink and the dishwasher was open and our family usually leave it open cuz they think it drys faster or sth. so i walked by it and i looked inside there was $100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! i was like no way!!! i stood there thinking someone left it? but y? maybe they think it's dirty? cuz it was wet. but then i thought how can no one saw it? it's like right there!! so i went to ask my mom if anyone put it there purposely and she didn't know anything abt it. then it just hit me like wow it must be from god!!! it's not like a dollar or five dollar bill it's $100 how can people forget abt it if they left it there on purpose. then when i was driving i felt god's love and glory so strong that i wanted to cry in my car, i began to scream jesus. u r so good~!!! u r sososo good!!!
he knows that by giving me that surprise i was gonna be thrilled. of course i was... then i began to text everybody. i didn't care if they believed it or not. and by testify him and glorify him he blessed me even more than i could ever imagine. you know the more he bless me the more i want to share his power and love to others, by me doing that he wants to bless me even more~!!! so on sunday jack asked me to share my experiences and i was like sure no problem~!
so i shared my blessings and blessed others on sunday. right before i was abt to leave i went to my car to get some money to make an offering, i took out a certain amount to offer and i was walking back to the church then i was thinking this amount is like nothing i took it out from my walet and my heart didn't even feel a thing so i told myself this is not right, so i walked back and i got 3 times the amount of what i was gonna offer. my heart definetly felt something this time, and my mind was thinking what am i gonna do for next month's rent and bills and blah blah blah... this is when i had to tell my mind to shut up and remind myself the ways god has been blessing me through those rough times. because if i don't let go and have faith in him then how am i ever gonna experience him like i had before. so i went in the church dropped off my offering. and right when i was walking out someone came up to me and said "here take it because god wanted me to give this to u and he wants u to have it." he/she stuffed it in my right palm, i felt it, it was money how much>? i didn't look but i was going crazy already i kept saying jesus jesus u're so good!!! i thank the person and walked to my car i looked and it was $200 i began to weep!!! god u're so good to me!!! u're always with me and u know me so well. hes like a very caring father. he encouraged me and loves me by his actions. i walked right back into church and shared what happened i want to encourage everyone, just put u're faith in god ~!!! i know u heard this many many times, u've heard many many testimonies like this but u need to personaly experience him, let me tell you it's way different than when u hear from other people. u can not trust or relay anything in this world, but if u put ur faith in god he will never let u down and he is a faithful god. he's always on time too. i can say ever since i believed in him, i've never regreat my decisions.
and if u think i'm just a lucky person, let me tell u, i'm only this lucky with jesus by my side, and u can be too just give jesus a try... see what happenes~

+ De'Monté Love +

2008-03-14T00:21:00.000-07:00

In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina one little 6 years old boy rise above the waters and became a hero. He was with his cousins and friends whom were all less than 3 years old and a 5 months old brother. They were joined by his mom on top of a roof for 3 days, waiting to be rescued. When the helicopter finally arrived they didn't have enough seats for all of them so they took all the kids and seprated them from his mom. The kids including DeMonte himself were droped off at an airport. While his mom was rescued and droped off at another location. His mom anxiously searched for him, meanwhile DeMonte was holding hands with his brood and encouraging them to keep up their spirits. He did this for four days! until he was reunited with his mom. I mean come on 6 years old~!!! Personally i'm like almost 4 times his age and i can't even take care of myself~! I begin to think questions like do we really need a disaster to act mature? Do we really need to lose everything so we can appriciate and precious everything arround us? Reading and hearing stories like this just gives me chills and extreame encouragement.
There are 365 days in a year, average living for a human being is abt 75 years old so that's abt 27,375 days on earth... if u are around my age u have abt 19,710 days left in this world... for the first time 5 digits sounds so quite few... 20 thousand dollars is quite alot of money, 20 parties is quite alot of parties, 20 thousand people lead by u to christ is quite alot of souls... what r u gonna do with the days that your left with?

Make each day count, live for what u believe in.

~LOVE~

2008-02-14T23:38:00.000-08:00

aaa

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

aaa

GOD PROVIDES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-27T00:46:00.000-08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD IS SO AMAZING~!!! as I keep on experiencing him more each time he amazes me with sth new everytime. Since last year end of July I quit working for my family's business, no job = no income. Through God's grace and love I am still alive... I still have money for gas, and food to eat. It's also weird because I've applied so many places and interviews, nth just seems right, I guess you could say I was being picky in the beginning, but when I became desprate I even applied to be a dishwasher...=.=''' but then that didn't even work out hahaha~. Just about 2 weeks ago I found a lady needing an assitant at Salon Essence in Pasadena, she rents the station. I was very interested in this job for some reason eventho it wasn't a high pay job. I went for the interview and when I was waiting for her to show up and she pops up in front of me like "Michelle?" I was like "yea" and she treated me like I was her friend~ she was like my goodness look at your hair it's gorgeous~ and you look so cute!!! she started pampering me... that was like my first time getting pampered at an interview... I felt like I was just meeting an old friend that I've known for ages. She was just complimenting me one after another. Then she started asking me what do I look for in this job and what's my future goals I told her about it. I love her schedule Wed-Sat she is also a believer and the days she doens't work i could go in and do my own clients~ over all she told me she really liked me but she needs to pick between me or this other girl that her friend introduced, so imediately I felt like I have less chances than the other girl (devil speaking) so she told me to hear from her the fallowing week. I was SO anxious, like never b4. When I got her call she told me that her assitant is not leaving anymore because her assitant's husband's job didn't workout she they are not moving away anymore. I was like WHAT this is worse than her telling me if she was gonna pick the other girl. Before Heidi hang up she said we never know what God is really planning in his mysterious ways. When I heard that I felt like my faith was being tested but at the same time >< I was really dissapointed and my family was dissapointed too~!!! I told most ppl that I was abt to work and then I had to tell everyone that it didn't work out AGAIN~ It really destroyed me and made me depressed, and I was just asking God Y? Y? Y? If he closes this door then what does he have in mind??? Then the next day my mom told me to move out b4 Mar. 1st so I had even more pressure~ I didn't know where is the rent going to come from... how am I suppose to survive??? then I realized that I haven't been offering anything since I quit my job. So the past 2 sundays I decided to make offerings to God eventho it wasn't much but it really did made my heart ache... every peeny counts for me right now... but I just felt like I needed to give him the best and he'll do the same in return~ so then one night I was reading about psalms 27...
Psalm 27
Of David.
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.
4 One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD.
7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.
13 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
It really just touched my heart the funny thing is that I read it because I remember seeing a necklace shaped like psalm 27 in a fashion magzine very random. I felt like it should mean something so I read it and it was right on, it really helped me to over come the situation I was in. So then after that I decided to move on and just continue to apply for jobs and see where is God going to lead me. I even had a strong conviction in my heart that if is what God had perpared for me no one can take it away, but if is sth that's not good for me God won't let me in either. So I just continued applying for jobs even the most ridiculious jobs too. But today morning around 10am I recieved a call it was from HEIDI!!!!!!!!!!! The lady from Salon Essence!!!!!!! I was sleeping but when I saw her name flashing on my cellphone my eyes popped and it was wide open!!! She kept my # and kept me in mind, she asked me if I found a job yet I sad no. Then she asked me if I would like to work for her because her assitant's boyfriend's job worked out and they are moving away~ I WAS LIKE OMG!!!!!!!!! And then she asked me if i was going to this anual hair show, I told her I couldnt afford it, and she even offered to take me there for free~!!!! AHAAAAAAHHHHHH double portion!!!! Tiffany (Li Ting) was sleeping next to me and she doesn't speak much english from the tone of my voice she even understood that I was hired. The job that I really wanted!!!! God is FAITHFUL~ he really knows what is he doing like seriously~! My job starts on Wed Jan 30th~ that means I will have enough $ b4 Mar. 1st to move out. exactly what I prayed for I needed a job b4 Feb so I could have my first paycheck~ sigh ahhhhhhhh I love u Jesus U R awsome~ just like the pastor said tonight at the cofrence "There's no testimonies if there's no test~" Through out these past 6 months God has taught me alot I've learned that, 1. tell him your problems before you tell anyone else. God needs our attention we can't just treat him like the magic latern we only rubb it when we need something. God would actually allow bad things happen to us because that can actually wake us up and bring us closer. 2.Don't have doubts in him he knows what is he doing, although it maynot make any sence to us. 3. PRAY PRAY PRAY (PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS) I'm not very good at it either but our God have mercy, he knows our limits he sees you trying and doing your best eventhough it's not enough and he is pleased with our willingness because he loves us. All we need to do is to just have faith in him weather if it takes 3months, half a year, 1 year, 10 years, God knows what is he doing. Cause he is GOD ^^

My Grandma Rocks!!!

2008-01-14T19:30:00.000-08:00

My grandma went to China for like 4 months, she jaust came back around Christmas. She's actually my stepdad's mom, but I call her Grandma anyways. We've been spending alot of time together. Last year I prayed for my family to be saved and really on fire for God. My grandma has been a believer for like 10 years... eventhough she's like 75 years old I just prayed that God would set a fire in her heart too. So recently she just told me she wanted to start comming to our church, I was a bit surprised, because she has her own church to go to, and she knows that our church is full of young ppl. She stills feels kind of wierd joining us because she's older. I told her age doesn't matter because we're all going there for God. Then she began sharing with me the reasons that she wanted to come with me. She said she wants to unite with me together we can influence my parents and my stepsister to believe in Christ. I was like WOW God is beginning to answer my prayer!!! And she even shared abt how it's gonna be hard and complicated because my parents are very against church. But she said we are suppose to be prosecuted and put through hardship so we can grow and have more faith in God. She even gave me an example like how Christians are suppose to be like Cactus. Cactus can survive in the desert without any water and any care, God created it he takes care of it eventho we don't see it with our human eyes. God created us too so he will take care of us too eventho we don't see it. I was like this is so crazy we were like having fellowship at my house. Then on sunday she prepared herself and her bible and actually came to church with me. I was a bit worried because the worship was in english and when she was introducing herself she actually said eventho she didn't understand the english she actually felt the Holy Spirit filled up her heart. I can't wait to see more things happening by the end of the year.

it's been ten days...

2007-12-18T21:57:00.001-08:00

wow it's been ten days since i last updated my blog....
I can't believe christmas is almost here...
well ever since christmas party was over I been giving myself a relaxing break...
past two weeks was like super intense~
I felt like there was so much pressure...
I was wanted my parents to come to the christmas party and be surprised how nice everything was and how impact has grown so much...
but things always end up the way u didn't think of...
my mom was mad and yelling and complaining about how much time I put into this whole party, and how I don't care about our family or their life and death///
things got very out of hand and I haven't spoke to her for like almost 2 weeks...
knowing that she didn't even bother to show up at the party and how much she even hates church was on my mind for like that whole week was like a nuclear weapon from satan... it just like dropped in my heart and exploded my heart into pieces.
I still remember I would be crying at one point in the middle of doing sth, and pull myself together the next minute.
"A season of hope" for me was trying to bring hope to my family and warmth into our house and build up a total different atmosphere. but instead it was a no show.
actually now that I think of it, I need to apologize to many people that I offened with my attitude, I want you to know it has nth to do with u personaly it just had to do with my own emotions from all the stress I had with my family.
I really wanted to see loving family gathering and celebrate christmas and enjoying one another's presence...
So i'm giving myself no credit for this whole thing because there was sth missing at the party... ones that I live with, ones that I love, ones that gave me birth... if all I gave them was the feeling that I didn't care then how can I offer it to 80+ ppl...
Jesus we really need you in our family... as messed up as it appears to be I think u're the only one that could fix it... would PLEASE send down ur angels and restore the love and joy to this family, because without your presence at our house nothing else matters, cars, money, big house... it's all just an empty eggshell... You are the one that's going to bring us life and a purpose... to live... let my parents see that... I ask you to just open their eyes and awake their spirit... this house needs miracles...
I also pray that in a season like this, "A Season of Hope" that you would restore all the broken families with love and peace...
God u see me through like clear waters, u know exactly how I feel and what I need... so I ask all this in the Father, Spirit and Son....
-Amen

~19th anniversary~

2007-12-08T00:25:00.000-08:00

Thx Booer for everything~
it was mucho fun to hang out with you today~
I was glad you liked the steak, and the dessert I made~
although the sparkling wine tasted bad but i think it added some atmosphere to it...
the movies were ok but since u were there with me they were more enjoyable than itself...
i'm sorry the dinner was rushed but today was wonderful...
Dec 7th...last month of the year...

psalm 42

2007-11-30T02:34:00.000-08:00

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
4 These things I remember as I pour out my soul:how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,my Savior and 6 my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
8 By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"
10 My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long,"Where is your God?"
11 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Tired...

2007-11-28T00:16:00.000-08:00

my eyes r like red shut...

i think u guys mistaken me for the post below...

it's just a beauty shoot i was one of the model, it's not an actual job but i get to meet makup artists and photographers and did some really cool stuff... and they asked me to be in the shoot again next week so it'll be fun!

but i am just so tired right now...

God i need a miracle in my life right now, like now... like right now right now...

night O.O'''

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I got a JOB!!!

2007-11-26T23:44:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is my first freelance opportunity!!!!!

I am still schocked right now...

i was so happy i forgot my cell phone #....

hahahha

well gtg bed early and be perpared for tomorrow~!!

yay, thank u god, love u~!

Need to put my self together...

2007-11-26T02:52:00.000-08:00

I NEED TO PUT MYSELF TOGETHER...!!!!!!!!
to many reasons y i am saying that. but thx to a friend who reminded me sth...
I am not at a position where God wants me to be right now, i can sorta imagine god's face looking at me with quite a few question marks above his head.
I need to do some serious planning and programing my daily schedule!
No more thinking alot more doing!!!
Oh God please put my tracks towards u again, and FAN THE FLAME!!!

PS: thx mr. who needs a haircut... ur words hit my head big time today~!!!

Superchick...

2007-11-24T18:12:00.000-08:00

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the painYou won't drownAnd one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drownAnd one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

2007-11-24T00:04:00.000-08:00

it's Thanksgiving...

2007-11-22T01:10:00.000-08:00

There's many things i could give thx too... especially to God.

But at the same time I feel like I want more from U...

Am I just too greedy or cause your just too good...

And I could never get enough~

Goals towards fashion...

2007-11-20T22:37:00.000-08:00

I was so inspired by alot of the artist on this website about fashion. So I decided to start my own portfolio. YES!! I need to save money in order to take makeup classes, and also wardrope. So excited~!!! So i'm gonna be a freelance stylist, who does makeup, hair, wardrope, and maybe in the future photography. I Love this fahion industry too much to just be a regular hair stylist. So God please help me to achieve my goals,
by the end of next year I should be able to present atleast something to show what my future's gonna look like...

~God is Love~

2007-11-19T21:38:00.000-08:00

Another kodak moment~

2007-11-18T20:30:00.001-08:00

I woke up by Joshua's phone call like 6:30 today///
then we went to this swat meet near my house it was crazy...
we went to sell our stuff like toys and clothing and some other stuff...
there was 39 vendors including myself who doesn't have a license, then they only pick 8 so you could sell your stuff there.
amazingly we were chosen so grateful, people kept on tell us were lucky.
it was such a fun experience 90% of the people that were there were Hispanics.
we felt like we were in the movie "fun with dick and Jane" the scene where Jim Carey was with those Mexican workers.
super funny movie.
we were so unprepared that when we went to our spot it was the size of two parking spots and we didn't have much to sell compare to other people. by the time our neighbor finished unloading it was like 3 hours passed by ...=.='''
the mom actually came over and told us the space we have is bigger than we think... well we know that too just don't have much to sell... and then the son came over and said mom you don't have your glasses huh? can't you see they don't have much to sell...??"... funny family.
so then i drove my Rav4 in and we set up our little display cuz there's nth for us to put our stuff on...
well overall we made like $100 sth yay~!

God answers all your prayers...

2007-11-17T23:52:00.000-08:00

I remember long time ago I ask God to send angels to reach out to my mom. Guess what today we had a party at my house and one of our family friend came by and we haven't gather with them for so long. Now they are Christians and baptized. I was so excited to hear that because I know mom was some what touched, eventhough she won't admit it right now at this moment. I know God is doing his work on her. So thank you Jesus for answering another prayer of mine. I encourage you guys to PRAY. In Mike Bickle's book he mentioned. Don't treat your prayer time a sacrifice for God. Instead it's a divine moment spent with your lover, he wants to hear it all~

What you gonna do about it...?

2007-11-17T00:42:00.000-08:00

A couple days ago I was laying on my bed thinking what can I do for other people besides praying for the unsaved, reach out to new people, and other stuff. Then I thought of my dad. I feel like the society doesn't give sinners a second chance. He was in jail for like 8 years then when he came out, now he is being rejected by a lot of stuff. Especially by family and work places. At the same time I could see how Jesus looks at him with a total different point of view. Jesus is willing to give him another chance. So then I just thought to myself only if we could build up a company for those people to work. Or an enviroment where they would feel comfortable. They are being treated fair. A chance for other people to see God's grace. We are all sinners, weather you commit big sin or small, no one else could judge you besides God. So I challenge you, whoever's reading this thing, to think about what has some of the things that happened in your life that stirs this feeling inside your heart, maybe you should do something about it. Like Banning said dream dreams, dream big, u r going to make a difference!

~Sunny Thursday With No Clouds In My Way~

2007-11-15T23:30:00.000-08:00

I woke up to another sunshine pretty morning, ( well noon haha ). I went to pick up my car with Joshua (thx babe), and finally my car is fixed, but i still need to get an oil change. So then I went to school, it was my first time to school this week and last (oh I am so bad... shhhh) then after I got out of school I cut and styled MoMo's hair~ I thought she looks HOT~!!! I wish we had a camera. Then we went to play basketball with Joshua and Enoch. HAHAHA it was so much fun we started off by warming up with HOUSE but we call it JESUS (ya!!!) I was the first one who got JESUS then MoMo, then Enoch then Joshua~ and then we played 2 to 2 me and Joshua VS Enoch and MoMo, guess who won? ~ haha they did, Enoch and MoMo~ it was 1:4. GOOD Game...~ I am so weak, it was my first time playing an actual game after high school. Then we sat around talked about the stars, that was interesting. Later on we went to Starbucks cuz Jamba Juice was closed... Then we chatted with the cashier he was really open so we invited him to play basketball with us next time. So hopefully another soul will be saved. Oh sweet Jesus what do u have in stored for me tomorrow~? :P

~FUN FUN FUN~

2007-11-14T23:32:00.000-08:00

Thank you baby for making fried rice for me today~! I love it~
Also for taking me to play basketball, and gave me those one on one lessons~ ( I will practice and become better...;;;)
AHHHHHH I had so much fun today~!!!
thank u God...
Mike Bickle was right in his book "After God's own Heart" he mentioned how our heart should overflow with "O God this is too good to be true!" or "This is beyond what I could hope for" or "I can't believe that it is really happening" Because if you seek after God's heart and Love, you'll realize how much more things you could actually overcome. It's not a big deal when you face things like ur car breaks down, you lose your wallet or get stuck in traffic. Think about this case here, a person who gets completely saved by God, walks with god for another 40 years redeemed and following Christ. One day she finally meets God face to face, at the throne. She is drown in the presence of his love and pleasure. Then she realizes what she has missed on earth and she thinks to herself she could have done so much better on earth if she had seek after his heart more on earth. she would have accomplish greater things. Don't let your time pass by easily, seek and encounter his heart and beauty and you will be surprised with what you could do~!

Prayer Requests...

2007-11-13T20:31:00.000-08:00

pray for Wave, we trying to put this project together for the thanksgiving event, God please give us more unity, and faith.
pray for all the students on campus, and those 400 people who went to supernatural campus, that God would give them more courage, and release signs and wonders more miracles break out on campus.
pray for my parents, asking God to send down angels and guidance upon them so that they will be saved, and same thing to my other family members in China.
pray for Joshua's finance, God lead him to the promise land, give him wisdom and knowledge.
pray for ME, God give me a direction and more faith in u. I want more intimacy with u. I need more knowledge to understand ur words.

Heavenly father I ask u to draw me closer to you everyday. I know when I am weak u r strong, and when I am poor u r rich, give me a heart like David, let me run to u first thing whenever I'm facing obstacles, and let me give u praise whenever I achieve and overcome my problems. My Lover and Friend I worship u with all my heart, "how could I expect to walk without you?" I put my faith and trust in your hands because I know u will not let me down. Holy spirit wear me as a garment so that we'll never be apart. I ask in Jesus name, - Amen

Become one...

2007-11-12T16:57:00.000-08:00

rev·o·lu·tion·ar·y

(rev-o-lu-shon-er-e)

n.[from Latin revolvere: to revolve, or turn around]
1) A person who brings about (a) a sudden, radical, or complete change; (b) a fundamental change in political, social, or cultural organization; (c) a fundamental change in the way of thinking or visualizing something: a change of paradigm the Copernican revolution
2) One engaged in a revolution.
3) An advocate or adherent of revolutionary doctrines, doctrines that are a complete turnaround from the cultural, economic, and political norms of the day.
4) A disciple of Christ; a Jesus Freak.

mar·tyr

(mar' ter)

n.[from the Greek word for "witness"]
1) One who chooses to suffer death rather than deny Jesus Christ or His work.

2) One who bears testimony to the truth of what he has seen or heard or knows, as in a witness in a court of justice.

3) One who sacrifices something very important to further the kingdom of God.

4) One who endures severe or constant suffering for their Christian witness.

5) A Jesus Freak.

SUNDAY

2007-11-11T21:54:00.000-08:00

I really felt the presence of GOD during worship today.
Jimmy just got saved today.
Johnny got baptized.
it's so cool~
I love my everyday life now.

I am the light of the world~!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! don't worry u r too!!!

2007-11-11T01:59:00.001-08:00

In case u don't know me, I am the light of the world~

WOW what a day at UCLA i felt like it was the most meaningful day for this season or I can't even recall when was the last meaningful one I had. GOD is great !!! I just learned more abt him today and know him more today too. I actually can hear him now and he gives me things to say to other people without me even realizing. it's crazy!!!! I am like so excited to live my future, I mean I'm so glad I have a good conclusion towards the year end. Man~!! Next year is gonna be so different~!!!!!!! Lord Jesus thank you for everything U R amazing do u know that? YOU ARE!!!

~DAY 3~

2007-11-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

today was a busy day/// @.@ I got up around 7:30 good thing I had breakfast... then me and lee-en and irene went for sample sale but they were not open today><>

2007-11-08T16:59:00.000-08:00

I promised myself that i would keep up with this blog thing everyday but it's actually really hard. well that's y i'm not a determined person. so i'm practicing with my concetration and consistency. b4 the 2nd day is over i hvae like 8 mins left to update it... is really last minute... Jesus Help me~

2007-11-07T16:10:00.000-08:00

Today is me and Joshua's 18th month anniversary. It's been 1 year and a half. Although everyone else tells me that it seems like forever. I felt like we finally understand eachother more and it's the most unforgattable month. God work things out fast so if we put anything in his hand we are being taking care of.

What other words come to mind when u hear or speak the name of jesus? Do u feel the power? When u just close ur eyes, take a deep breath and say jesus outloud do u feel how powerful it is? To some people it's a name that every knee will bow one day, every tongue will one day confess, no parallel in the vocabulary, absolute salvation, a name with power like no other name. People who loves him loves to see how it falls off the lips with passion. People who loves him also shudder to see it falls off the lips with disgrace. What a name! Jesus, in hebrew is Yeshu'a (Joshua) a very common name back then, after all jesus came to save and seek common people like us. The name Jesus means "savior" although the name was commonly shared, but no one else would ever shared the role.